sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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