Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
