I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Randomize
