I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
