Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
