Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
