you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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