I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
