Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
