I wish my penis had an off switch
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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