saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
