GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
