then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
