I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
