i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
