well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
