Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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