4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
