If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
