i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
