You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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