i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
