Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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