nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
