i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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