Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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