Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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