Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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