i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
