Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
