I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
