you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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