i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
