Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
