My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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