she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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