you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
