I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
