I seem to have left my pride at pride
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is it penis luge time yet?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
