Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
