I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
