id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
