Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
