god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
