ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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