No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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