I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
