I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
