I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
