Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
