she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
