You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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